Fifth and final part of the Crack series. It's a nice, long, disturbing read. Enjoy.
Sheba... I've been wondering... is your stylist blind?
I've always wanted to know! Tell me the truth!
Why would I have a blind stylist?
Well, someone to do your hair. Did they get a blind person to do it?
... Does it look like a blind person did my hair?
Either that, or they had a grudge on you. That would explain the hair.
What's wrong with my hair?! ;_;
It looks like a salad bowl. A SALAD BOWL.
Well... maybe someone cut my hair using a salad bowl? ._.
Well, sue them then! Your hair sucks!
*sigh* Jenna, it's not nice to tell people their hair sucks...
But it's the truth. =/ What's wrong with being honest?
You'll hurt people's feelings...
Pfft. Feelings are overrated.
*shrugs* Dunno. I just felt like saying something random.
... So, are you and Isaac a real item yet? >_>
DON'T MAKE ME BURN YOU!
I can't believe some people thought me teasing you automatically made Valeshipping canon.
No kidding. v_v Considering you'd never seen me and Isaac together at that point, why would it mean anything?
You raise a great point. All I was doing was teasing you.
But, the fact you blushed is kind of suspicious...
Yeah... well... I was... embarrassed! That's it! You embarrassed me!
But why were you embarrassed?
You know, you don't have to talk anymore. Now buzz off before I burn you.
Wouldn't it be funny if Camelot made that sequel and Valeshipping was canon?
If Camelot values their lives, there won't be canon pairings. Do you want to see the fandom wank?
There isn't much of a fandom these days, sadly...
Which is Camelot's fault for taking five years just to say they want to make a sequel... when are they going to make it?
Let's see, a team of about 20 people, and they don't want to make something half-assed, I predict at least 2-3 years.
._. Come on, Camelot, we want to see what's next in store for us...
I sure hope they don't do something like 20 years later and have people play as our kids instead. Can you imagine what we'd look like in 20 years?
You'll probably have a head bigger than Jupiter. I, on the other hand, will still have my good looks of course. ^_^
Hey! ._. You know, Garet with a beard would be frightening. Or Isaac with a mustache.
... Yeah, I really don't want to see us twenty years later... o_o
Ew. I'm never growing a beard.
Good. Because if you grow one, I'm never having a relationship with you.
You don't like beards, huh? Okay. Is there anything else you don't like?
Facial hair in general. Just don't grow anything on your face and we're fine.
If Camelot wants to make their characters look 20 years older, they will.
But, a beard? Gimme a freaking break!
*dies in horror at thought of having a mustache*
I'm trying to imagine you with a mustache. I can't.
*sigh* Well, for your sakes, I'm hoping a sequel won't be some years later then...
IT BETTER WELL NOT BE.
Why must you scar us?!
Or Camelot might even do something a thousand years later, still on Weyard, to show us how Alchemy affected it.
But we'll be dead by then. Except Piers, maybe.
Anyway, who knows what Camelot is thinking right now...
They are probably thinking about golf.
That might be true, sadly... they sure are golf-obsessed.
They've had five years to make a sequel and still haven't started it! What's wrong with them?!
Small team. Golf games. Mario sports games. Yeah, that's about it.
Meh. Well, at least Camelot wants to make a sequel.
Wouldn't it be nifty if Kraden had died of old age already?
The Temple of Kraden would probably riot.
They would claim his death had been faked and he had simply left Weyard or something.
What's so great about that rambling old fart?
Who knows? He should have just fallen off Gaia Falls or something.
Or the werewolves in Garoh could have gone insane and eaten him.
Uh... the people of Garoh are nice people... not insane and bloodthirsty.
But don't you think Garoh would have been much more interesting if the werewolves had been crazy and trying to turn us into werewolves too or even just kill us?
You want to be killed by a werewolf?
No, I want to burn the insane werewolves.
So, what you're saying, is that you would have liked Garoh to be a dangerous place so you could have fun burning everything that moved?
*sighs in disgust* I give up.
Aw, come on! It would be fun!
I'm not listening, lalalalala~
You suck. And have a big head.
Fine. Be like that. -_-
THIS IS BORING.
Yes. I must liven it up. Garet, there is something that I must tell you...
I've tried to hide it for so long, but I can't...
Just tell me already!
I LOVE YOU, GARET! *bursts into emo tears*
Please tell me you feel the same way! ;_;
Isaac! Garet is mine!
OMGJENNA ;-; SAVEMEPLS *hides behind Jenna*
Step aside, Jenna! I will be the one to claim Garet's heart!
I'm afraid I can't allow that, Isaac.
If you're not going to step aside, then we must battle.
With pleasure. *hands start flaming* Prepare to taste defeat, Isaac!
Um, guys? Can't we find a non-violent way to solve this? D=
No, Garet, I must do this so that I can have you to myself. *draws Sol Blade* Prepare yourself, Jenna.
Take this! *summons Meteor*
What the?! Are you walking around with Djinn on standby? Oh, and ouchies!
I like having all my Djinn on standby so that I can summon. *summons Meteor again*
*falls to knees* Argh... I cannot be defeated now... I must... do this... for Garet...
That all you've got? Pathetic. I'm the only one for Garet! ♥_♥
*unleashes Megiddo* Take that!
Darn it... all my Djinn are in recovery... I'm weakened... *collapses* ...
Yes! Another Megiddo and she'll be defeated and I can have Garet! ^_^
MIA! ;_; *glomps* SAVE ME!
What do you want, Mia? We're busy right now.
Yes, Jenna and I are currently battling for Garet's heart.
Well, you can't!
What are you saying, Mia?
Because I'm pregnant with Isaac's child! And Garet's too!
Both? How is that possible?
I'm carrying fraternal twins, with different fathers. You see, one night, I slept with Isaac, then Garet, on two separate occasions that were fairly close together. During my ovulation, two eggs were released. They both got inseminated, by sperm from separate men. It's called heteropaternal superfecundation. Look it up.
What does he... hetero... super... what does it mean?
Okay, let me explain. You and Isaac have sperm. I make eggs. I released two eggs. Isaac's sperm fertilized one. Your sperm fertilized the other. Make sense now?
So... uh, it's like, twins, but different dads, right? Like half-siblings?
That is correct.
Wow. That's so freaking weird.
Look on the bright side. You're the father of one of them. How does it feel?
Well, my parents will be pleased... but... I love Jenna. D=
You must acknowledge your baby! But you don't have to live with me or anything.
Whew. So it's okay for me to be with Jenna?
Yes. All you need to do is pay child support.
Does that mean I need to get a job?
Yes. GO GET ONE, YOU LAZY OAF!
*whimpers* Yes, ma'am...
Oh, great. If Garet and I are the fathers of your twins... does that mean they will be traumatized by us being a couple?
Yes, they will be utterly screwed up.
O_O Okay then...
Garet wants Jenna anyway, in case you didn't notice.
._. So... uh... twins with different fathers... is just strange.
No kidding. I was rather surprised myself. So are you going to express joy at becoming a father or not?
Oh, sorry. WHOOP! YAY! I'M GONNA BE A FATHER! ... Is that good enough?
... I guess. Make sure you pay child support, by the way.
I thought Garet was doing it? D=
Meep, okay, okay. ;_; Just let me get a steady job first...
You're a slut, Mia. ._.
Why, yes, I suppose I am. Have you not even done it with Garet?
No. ._. I haven't even... done it yet.
That's a shame. I've even had the honor of doing it with Piers. And your brother wasn't so bad either.
I knew I should have accepted that one time Saturos asked me to sleep with him. T_T
Don't rush yourself, Jenna. You're still young. I just really, really enjoy sex...
Please tell me you haven't done it with Ivan...
No. Not yet. But he's had practice with Hammet's concubines anyway, so he shouldn't be so bad.
*sigh* YOU GOT TO GARET FIRST? AND YOU'RE EVEN HAVING HIS BABY?! *cries*
You think that's bad? I'm pregnant too!
Okay, see, Kraden made a potion but it didn't work properly and while I got my male parts, I also kept my female parts, and somehow... when I was rubbing one off... stuff got where it shouldn't...
You inseminated your own egg?
Yes. ;_; And now Kraden won't try and fix my body again until the baby is born, because he doesn't want the baby to be damaged!
That... that's not right! You can't be the mother and the father!
I know it's hard to believe, but I am.
So, Mia is pregnant with Garet's and Isaac's babies... you're pregnant with your own.... good grief... T_T
Hey, you think I want to have a baby with just one parent?
*is too disturbed to even speak anymore*
Um, Jenna, you're pregnant too. Heck, I'm pregnant!
I'm not pregnant, you idiot! I've never had sex!
You're not very far along, but there's a mind in there... and a mind in me as well. Where else would these minds be coming from?
Oh, come on! D= How could I possibly be?
Do you remember that big party we had, nearly a month ago?
Not much of it. We spent most of it getting wasted, didn't we?
Ivan and I didn't get wasted. We're too young to drink.
So what did you two do then?
We calmly observed the activities of crazy drunk Adepts.
O_O Did stuff happen then? The first thing I remember was waking up on the floor with my panties on my head. And everyone else were passed out all over the room.
It seems things... got a little heated. Mia... made all the guys have an orgy with her for one thing. Then you felt left out, started crying, and the guys ended up playing spin the bottle rather badly to decide who gave you pity sex.
Pity sex?! And who won the game of spin the bottle?!
Piers did, but then you called him an old dinosaur, called him a bunch of names, said he should go off with Kraden and he went to sit crying in a corner.
O_O I don't remember that. He doesn't, does he?
Of course he doesn't. Then the guys drew straws and well, you got to do it with the guy who drew the short straw.
Who was that then?!
Before I tell you, let me just say that everyone was so horribly drunk and not thinking straight. Anyone was willing to have an orgy with Mia then give you pity sex. Anyone.
So, anyone was willing to do me...? Out of pity?
Yes. Even Felix. But remember, they were all so wasted, they could hardly even remember their own names. You were that wasted as well.
Ew. I could have done without that information... why did you feel it necessary to tell me that?
Oh, because it was Felix who drew the short straw. >_>'
PLEASE tell me they did it over again...
Nope, and you didn't complain either, so...
Th-then, does that... mean...
Yes, Jenna, you had sex with Felix and are now pregnant with your brother's baby. My condolences.
... KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! *passes out*
*pokes unconscious Jenna with a stick* Well, I'm never going to drink alcohol ever...
I'm never going to drink it either. The horrors we witnessed...
Truly terrible and frightening... *clings*
*clings back* WE ARE FOREVER SCARRED. ;_;
Hey, you said you were pregnant. Who's the father?
Oh, I think it's Alex.
See, this one time, I found Alex getting drunk. He didn't complain when I helped myself to his booze either. I really wanted to try the stuff, you know? Why do I have to wait until I'm older?
One thing led to another, huh?
Yeah. Honestly, it's a bit saddening... I mean, Alex? My first time ended up being with Alex? Gross.
Gosh... alcohol does some crazy stuff, doesn't it? So, what are you going to do?
When the baby's born, I'll probably just find out where he lives and leave it on his doorstep.
Don't do that, Sheba! What if he raises it as a megalomaniac?!
Then am I meant to raise it alone?
No, Sheba, you won't be alone. Because... I'll help you raise the baby. Let's live together.
Ivan... thank you.
Sheba... it's the least I can do for you...
Ugh... head spinning... confused...
I missed all the fun. What happened? =O
Well... first Isaac battled me for Garet's love...
He tried to hurt you?! That's it, I'm going to kill him...
Wait a minute... it was only one Megiddo, that's all! Then Mia interrupted before things got ugly...
He hit you with MEGIDDO?! I'm definitely going to hunt him down and...
Look, I don't mind if my dear older brother protects me, but I'd like it if you would LISTEN!
... I'm listening.
Mia is pregnant with two babies with different fathers. Fraternal twins. The fathers are Isaac and Garet.
I didn't realize Mia got around so much...
Well, she does, so she's pregnant with Isaac's and Garet's babies. Piers is also pregnant.
What?! No! I can't believe it... I thought he loved only me... *curls up in despair* Wait... how?
He hasn't completely turned back into a man yet and is making sperm *and* eggs... I don't understand it, but somehow he got himself pregnant by inseminating his own egg...
Uh... so, he's the mother and father of his own child? O_O Then he hasn't betrayed me after all... thank goodness!
You are reacting rather normally to something like this... *sigh* And, also, Sheba is pregnant too by the look of things.
How did that happen? D=
Sheba and Alex got drunk and did stuff with each other apparently.
This is a lot to take in...
The worst is yet to come... Felix. Please prepare yourself.
I am also pregnant.
WHAT THE HELL?!
Please don't use big font like that. It's frightening.
Who is the father, Jenna?! I am going to drag them down here and beat the living shit out of them, then make them promise to live with you for as long as you have a child!
Do you remember that party when everyone got so drunk, they had no idea who they were or what they were doing, me included? Ivan and Sheba know everything that happened at that party... and... well...
So that was when some slimeball got you pregnant?! They are going to pay for this! You know who it is, right?
Well, Sheba wouldn't lie about something like this... so... sorry to say, but you're the father. ._.
I saw it with my very own eyes. You drew the short straw when the guys were trying to decide who should give Jenna pity sex, because Mia just had an orgy and she was feeling left out. So you and Jenna started getting it on like animals. It seemed like you enjoyed it too.
Yes. I am pregnant with your child. Proceed to beat the shit out of yourself now.
This can't be! But... what are we going to tell our parents?
Oh, we'll just tell them the truth. If they don't like it, tough shit.
The baby could be deformed! ._. What if it doesn't even look human?
Then we sell it to a freak show and get on with our lives.
How can you be so casual about this?!
Would you rather I stabbed my eyes out or something?
No... but... this is just too crazy!
In a few months, there will be five babies, one of them from a hermaphrodite. Now that's crazy.
People have got to use protection!
It seems protection is out of the question when we're drunk. It was definitely an unintended accident with Piers. Mia... I'm sure she behaved quite irresponsibly.
But what are we going to do? Should we live and raise the baby together?!
I was hoping to live with Garet though...
Right... well, at least you'll have support then. But won't Garet be helping Mia?
Yeah... Mia wants both Isaac and Garet to pay her child support...
Then who will pay for our child?!
I guess you'll have to. It is your child after all.
I just hope Piers doesn't ask me to raise his child with him then... this is so complicated. T_T
Piers deserves to be alone, for being an idiot and killing kittens.
What do you mean? D= I've only ever killed a Djinni by accident. I never killed a kitten.
When you fap, Iris kills a kitten.
I had no idea. The poor kitten...
Piers, why were you fapping? Am I not good enough for you? D=
Oh, Felix, you are so very, very good ^_^ I just wanted to try my new body out.
TOO MUCH INFORMATION >O
I kind of like being a hermaphrodite... there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it...
No, Piers! You must turn back into a man eventually! ._.;
Well, I can't, not until after this thing inside me is born.
You'll probably have to stay a woman a bit longer than that, though.
Heck, no! I'm gonna turn back into a man immediately!
But you'll have to breastfeed your own baby, right?
My brain just broke. D=
HECK NO! I ain't breastfeeding! *sobs* I want to be a man again...
I want you to be a man again too! *hugs*
;_; *hugs back*
I have a super fun activity now for us to do now! Since us three girls... and Piers... are pregnant, let's think of some names for our babies!
I'm going to name my baby Alex, whatever gender. Just because.
Um, why? Alex doesn't deserve to be acknowledged!
He is the father of my baby, like it or not, and I think if it was a girl, naming it Alex would be hilarious.
... Right. Does Alex know about it?
I haven't seen him since, and he was drunk so probably not...
That disgusting lolicon...
Who are you calling a loli?!
Uh, er... so what are your plans for the future?
I'm going to raise my child to hate him, but without knowing he's the father, and one day, there will be an epic battle between the two as my child saves the world from his evil grasp.
And, since Ivan is going to help me raise the baby, the baby will think of Ivan as its father, and if Alex kills Ivan or something, then the epic battle will probably go like this:
"You killed my father!"
"No, Alex. I am your father."
"That can't be!"
"Search your heart. You know it to be true."
Uh, are you on something?
What? I thought it would be cool!
Anyway, don't name the child Alex. It would be confusing.
Maybe if I combined our names. Like Aleba or Shebex. What do you think?
Oh, forget it... YOU SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN.
You're mean! *runs away crying*
So, anyone else?
I kind of want to name my child Freak. =D
Hey, Jenna, shouldn't we discuss proper names first?
But I like the name Freak for it...
Why would you give your baby a hurtful name like Freak?
It's the child of a brother and sister. It's a freak.
I'm pretty sure it's still a human being...
Oh, sure, just you wait until it pops out and you'll see it has cloven feet and two heads or something!
It is not going to have cloven feet and two heads!
Of course it will, or it will just look fugly and barely even human...
Can't you at least just think up a proper name?
We could call the kid Incest! =O
Uh... I was thinking along the lines of actual names...
Well, have you got anything in mind?
Nothing yet, but I can think up something better than Freak or Incest...
I WANNA NAME IT INCEST!
We can't call it Incest!
We are, and that's final!
Fine... go ahead. Don't blame me if it has mental issues.
It will have mental issues anyway. Hey, Mia, where did you go?
Oh, sorry, I fell asleep during your tiresome argument...
Felix and I are gonna name the child Incest!
Uh... that's... fantastic.
Got any names for your babies?
Since it's twins, I think I'll give them rhyming names for the fun of it.
Sounds cheesy, but okay...
Maybe Chad and Brad, if they are boys... or Jane and Paine if they are girls... what do you think?
=/ Maybe you should have Garet and Isaac name the babies...
Meh, I guess rhyming is too cheesy... Garet? Isaac? Any ideas?
Name mine Garet Jr.!
But what if it's a girl?
Then... um, name it Greta. That's the letters of my name rearranged to a girl's name. Weird, huh?
I can live with that... Isaac?
What about Ami if it's a girl, or Ike if it's a guy?
So you're suggesting a rearranging of my name or a diminutive of yours?
Yep. Cool, huh?
Not bad. So, Piers, what are you going to name your child?
Since Jenna's not naming her kid Freak, I'm naming mine Freak. Or dumping it on a doorstep and running away. Not sure yet.
Piers, you must accept responsibility for your baby!
I don't want to! I want to become a man again, not be breastfeeding the freak for months!
Well, I just hope you change your mind later...
*silently comes in and sets off bombs*
Somebody set up us the bomb!
We get signal!
Main screen turn on.
How are you gentlemen! Oh, and ladies too. All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.
What you say!
You have no chance to survive. Make your time. Ha ha ha.
Take off every 'Zig'! You know what you doing. Move 'Zig' for great justice.
Why are we speaking with bad grammar anyway?
Hey, Alex! Don't you know you're about to become a father?
Acknowledge your unborn child, YOU EVIL BASTARD!
Uh oh. It couldn't be... that time I got drunk... and Sheba was there...
That's right! You dirty lolicon trash!
I'm not a loli!
Damn straight! Sheba is pregnant with your baby, you asshole!
Nooooooooo! *warps out*
Huh? Where did he go?
I don't think he's coming back...
He rejected his own child. What a jerk...
It's alright, Sheba. I'll definitely be here for you.
Oh great. Kraden's here too. T_T
WHAT WAS THAT? You must respect your elders and treat them with respect, not express disappointment at their mere presence. Back in my day, young whelps listened dutifully to their elders and most certainly did not act so rudely around them. You should learn from them, Garet. RESPECT ME! Or else I shall have to tell your parents-
Do you ever shut up, you rambling old fart?
My goodness, Isaac! Since when did you ask me to stop speaking so abruptly and then go so far as to insinuate I am an old fart who likes to ramble on and on? It is most rude indeed and I am appalled at such rude behavior!
STOP TALKING SO MUCH!!!
Why does everyone hate it so much when I am speaking? I just enjoy speaking so much and once I start talking, I am afraid that I find it near impossible to stop, so you will simply have to put up with my rambling, see?
Ugh. You are hopeless!
Jenna! I want to have sex! Can we sleep together?!
Stay away from my sister, you dirty old creep!
*sobs* I guess I'll just have to buy some dirty magazines...
Ew. EW. Please keep such things to yourself!
But you told everyone how you got pregnant...
That's different! I had to explain how I even got pregnant in the first place... and anyway, nobody wants to know about you because you're old and gross!
I may be old and gross... but this doesn't look old and gross, does it?
*chokes on foam in mouth and goes into coma*
*faints from trauma*
*looks for something to gouge out eyes with*
EEK! *blushes and faints in horror*
Ugh. UGH. *runs out of room and throws up everywhere*
PUT IT AWAY!!! *covers eyes*
Huh, you're in better shape than King Hydros.
Eh? How did you even get to see Hydros like that?!
In Lemuria, the people often take public baths together. And yes, I've even been in the same bath as King Hydros. It was quite an honor.
I guess that's why you didn't freak out...
So, um... wanna have sex with me?
NO! Anyway, it's your fault I was a woman and am now a hermaphrodite and PREGNANT! You are the last person I would do it with right now!
I'm still working on that potion to turn you into a man... but I am working on some other cool potions too.
I'm almost afraid to ask... what do they do?
Well, there's this transforming potion. All I have to do is take someone's hair, put it in some of the potion and drink, then I temporarily take on the form of that person.
You're not planning to use it for evil things, are you? o_o
>=D Why, of course I am. In fact, I'm going to test it right now, with some of Garet's hair right here!
Everyone! KRADEN I- ... *thud*
*puts away brick* Nice try. Now to find Garet and knock him out. Oh, Garet~!
o_o Ulp... you called, Kraden?
Here, smell this nice chloroform *presses against Garet's face*
Wh-wha... oooh... *thud*
Muahahaha! *ties Garet up and puts him in closet* With Garet out of the way, this shall be a breeze! *drinks potion and transforms into Garet*
Oh, Garet? What is it now?
I just wanted to say... you are looking exceptionally beautiful today.
Oh. *blushes* Um... of course I am. A girl's got to look her best. ^____^;
I also got you some flowers as a gift. Here.
Oh... daisies? ... You shouldn't have! o_0
I'm sorry. I can't afford much right now, and I really wanted to give you something.
Oh, it's okay. It's the thought that counts after all. You are so sweet, Garet... thank you.
Jenna... I love you...
I... I love you too!
Then shall we have our first kiss now?
Okay. *closes eyes and waits*
*leans in and is about to kiss*
Hold it right there!
... Felix! What do you think you are doing, interrupting a romantic moment?!
Yeah! I was just about to kiss her!
I can't let you do that.
Felix? What's wrong with you? D=
First you get her pregnant, then you interfere with her relationships? You really are a siscon, aren't you?!
I don't think Jenna wants a relationship with you. And I'm not a siscon!
But I love Garet! D=
Yeah, well, Garet's not the person standing next to you.
Wh-what?! *stares at Garet* Of course he is!
Yeah! I am Garet, you idiot. Who else would I be? His evil twin?
Or maybe you are Kraden!
*shrieks* What?! How?!
Remember Kraden makes potions? He obviously made a transformation one!
Curse you, Felix! *shakes a fist*
._. But why did you think it's not Garet?
I found the real Garet unconscious in a closet just now!
Damn... I thought I locked it! CURSE YOU!!! *runs off*
Ew. ._. I nearly kissed Kraden. *shudders*
Kraden is a freak. ._.
I knew we should have just pushed him off Gaia Falls...
Let's just wait and hope he dies of old age...
You don't think he might try drinking some of Lemuria's draught?
I sure hope he doesn't... ._.
Well, we could just tell the Lemurians not to give him any, I guess...
... I WANT A HUG! ;_;
Aw, what's wrong, Fe?
*sniff* I'm emo, my sister is pregnant with our baby after a drunken night and my thousands of years old boyfriend is a PREGNANT HERMAPHRODITE! ;_;
Hey, I'm trying to turn myself back into a man. ._. And... I'm not thousands of years old!
Then, how old are you, Piers? How old?!
Sorry. Not telling.
*sobs* How can you treat me like this, after I got my sister pregnant? Do you want me to kill myself?!
... Here, have a cookie. *hands a cookie over*
*eats cookie* ^_____^
Well, are you feeling better now?
*nods happily* Much better. ^_^
Good. Now why don't we go to the bedroom and test my dual equipment again? ^_- I assure you it's fun.
R-really? I don't know... doing a pregnant hermaphrodite is a bit...
Oh, come on, Felix! Don't be so silly! *starts dragging off to bedroom* ^_____^
Meep. Someone help me? ;_; *is dragged off to Piers's bedroom*
We're gonna have LOTS of fun. ^_^ *drags into bedroom and shuts door*
I must be the only person in the world to screw a pregnant hermaphrodite and my own sister...
Indeed. You're special! ^_^
Cursed is more like it...
Nonsense. ^_^ Time for sex~!
Nobody likes me. ;_;
Yeah, you're a damn old fart. Ugh. I hated traveling with you. You're the reason I abandoned everyone on Idejima.
Oh, really? ._. So, why are you here?
I'm hoping to see Mia and ask her to marry me.
Don't you need to be in a relationship first?
If I have Isaac hostage, she will have no choice!
You have Isaac hostage?!
Um, not yet. Still trying to figure out a way to kidnap him.
Gosh, aren't you an ambitious young man, Alex? It warms the cockles of my heart indeed.
I am calmly resisting the urge to rip out said heart and stomp on it.
You know, Alex, I am a lonely old man to tell the truth. All I want is some sex and nobody will do it with me.
Perhaps you're trying too low on the age scale?
But I don't want to do it with old people! ;_;
Then end your suffering by killing yourself. It works. Trust me.
PLEASE HAVE SEX WITH ME!!!
No. I am straight. I love Mia.
*sobs* NOBODY LOVES ME!!!
So you have finally realised it, you pathetic old man.
SEX!!! *goes crazy* I WANT SEX!!!
If you're really that desperate, go find a freaking whorehouse or something.
Then can I borrow some money?
There. Now get out of my sight, you idiot.
Yay! I'M COMING, WHORES! *runs off*
*sigh* That pathetic old man is absolutely sickening...
YO. THIS IS YOUR LOCAL FRIENDLY ZOMBIE PASSING THROUGH.
Ack! Babi?! I thought you were dead!
Uh, yeah. I'm a ZOMBIE. Duh.
What the heck?! How did you come back as a zombie?!
Hello there, Isaac. Did you ever get that draught?
Uh, no. We had more important things to do, dumbass. Now get back to being dead!
Then I must get REVENGE! I shall feast on your BRAINS! MUAHAHAHAHA!
Ah! It's Babi! O_O
Hello there, Sheba, my long time hostage. How are you doing?
GAH! SAVE ME, SOMEONE! *runs away*
Wait! Come baaaaaack! D=
Well, this is a surprise indeed.
I guess I didn't kill you properly or something.
You killed him, Alex? Why?
Because I heard of his desire to be immortal or whatever and to find out more about Alchemy. I feared he would be a potential rival to claiming what I wanted.
You cannot defeat me! I am a ZOMBIE and will eat your BRAAAAAIIIIINNNS!
Ah, Kraden. Guess what! I'm a ZOMBIE!
Awesome! And I just got kicked out of a whorehouse!
Meh, I can't even get any either, because nobody wants to commit necrophilia.
Wow, I don't know which of us has it worse?
I seriously do not want to listen to old men whining about how they can't get some. *decapitates Babi*
*is a dead zombie*
Damn, you really are pathetic. How did you get kicked out of that whorehouse? I gave you money!
Apparently, even whores prefer image over money sometimes!
Really? o_o I thought they only wanted the money. How surprising.
*sobs* When am I ever going to get some?
No freaking clue. *leaves*
Kraden, NOBODY is going to give you sex. Now STFU.
Because you're a pathetic rambling old man!
The main problem seems to be that I am old!
Yeah, Kraden. It's because you're past it. You're gross and stuff.
You are all AGEIST!
They aren't ageist. They just have particular sexual preferences, that do not include you.
Is there no way to get someone to have sex with me?!
NO. Now get out of here before I set you on fire!
*sobs* NOBODY LOVES ME!!!
Please do us all a favor and kill yourself.
But can I at least have some sex before I kill myself?
None of us are that nice, Kraden.
Fine! If that's what you all want, I shall go and kill myself then! Happy?!
Yes, very. And then we'll all sing "Ding, Dong, the Wicked Witch is Dead."
... ... ... *stomps off* YOU ALL SUCK! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!
HEY GUYS? D= MY HEAD CAME LOOSE AND NOW ALL I SEE IS A WALL.
Ack! It's still alive?!
I guess killing the undead is harder than it looks.
I can't die! Muahahahahaha! I am IMMORTAL now, suckers!
You may be immortal now, but I imagine you can't do much with your head cut off.
I'll show you, you whelp! I'll... I'll... roll over and bite you! *tries to roll* Aw. I can't.
I'm gonna go get a bone crusher. Be back later.
Oh, you might want to try taking his body and putting it in an incinerator too. Make him properly dead.
Good idea. *drags body away*
Hey you!!! Where do you think you are taking my body?!
*gasp* Babi! You can still speak! Oh thank goodness! *picks up head and hugs it*
D= I WANT TO UNSEE IT.
So do I. ;_;
Hey, put me down! I'm not a cuddly toy!
I'll find a way to get your head back on your body... wait, where's your body?
That guy took it. When I get my body back, I'm eating his brains first!
First? Who else's brains are you planning on eating?!
Why are you all being so horrible to Babi?! The lot of you should be ashamed of yourselves!
He's a kidnapper, he's undead, and he wants to eat our brains. That's not a good enough reason?
You just don't understand him like I do! Hmph! *walks off with Babi*
Kraden is such a freak... ._.
Yeah, what's with him being a total nymphomaniac all of a sudden?
I think he needs to go to some mental clinic for sex obsession.
Or we could put him in an old people's home, claiming he's senile. ^_^
I'm back. Babi's body was disposed of and I brought a crusher for the head. Where is it?
Oh, Kraden got upset and went off with him just now.
Why didn't you stop him?! Now I have to go hunt him down and deal with Babi once and for all. Good grief. *warps out*
For once, I don't totally disagree with Alex's actions.
Yeah, Alex is definitely the lesser of two evils in this case.
He's definitely better looking too...
Uhh... okay, Jenna...
What?! Just because he's an asshole doesn't mean I can't admit he's handsome!
Let's not pursue this subject, please...
*warps back in* I can now safely say Lord Babi of Tolbi is no more. That's one evil asshole gone from the face of Weyard.
I can think of another evil asshole who should be removed from the face of Weyard...
Hey, since everyone is pregnant, I made a special potion that makes babies grow many times faster! They will pop out of you immediately!
Really?! Is it safe?
Oh, absolutely. I tested it on Kushinada. She now has a beautiful baby boy named Takeru. The only drawback seems to be that he won't stop growing so quickly.
Hey, so long as it means our children leave home quicker, it's fine! But was the mother fine?
Certainly. She felt quite sore afterwards but otherwise she was fine.
JUST GIVE US THE POTION!
Calm down, Piers. Okay, one at a time, and somebody should have sheets ready. Are you all planning on a group birthing?
I just want the damn thing out. I don't care who's watching.
I feel the same.
So do I.
I don't mind being pregnant, but taking that potion sounds like less hassle.
Why do I detect a distinct hatred of babies in this room? Or is it something else?
Just give them the potion, Kraden.
Sheesh. The youth of today are so impatient. I would just like to remind the ladies. USE PROTECTION. Piers... hold off masturbation until you're a man again, okay?
Yes, absolutely. T_T;
Very well. *hands everyone the potions* Now drink, go lie down on them sheets over there and scream in agony as you give birth!
I'll go first. *drinks potion and immediately collapses* HOLY CRAP! ALREADY?! OWWWW!
Good grief, Kraden! You could have made the potion work a little slower! *helps Mia to sheets*
Well, she should have drank it when she was already lying down!
;_; *is painfully giving birth and screaming*
Calm down, Mia! It's alright! Isaac and I are here!
It's your fault I'm like this! YOU BASTARDS!
Sorry. I'll wear a condom next time.
Yeah. Me too.
What was that?!
*winces* Uh, er, nothing, Jenna. Honest.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! *promptly spits out two babies*
Well done, Mia! Which one's mine?
This one must be mine. It's got really red hair.
Then the blue-haired one must be mine. It's a girl!
My one's a boy!
Can. You. Stop. Fawning. Over. The. Babies. And. PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
What is it, Mia?
Garet, you can call the baby Garet Jr. Isaac, you can call the girl Ami. Now someone get me to a hot bath, then I want to rest!
Come on then, Mia. Ivan, will you help Garet watch the babies and don't let him pick them up!
What, you think I'll drop them or something?
Garet, everybody thinks you'll drop the babies. Aren't they cute though?
It's my turn! *sits down on clean sheets and drinks* Oog... it feels like I'm having the runs...
Uh... you must have an impressively high pain threshold...
This is nothing! It feels no worse than monthly cramps!
I don't want to watch... I'm scared to think about what's coming out...
You're the one who put this thing in me! You are watching this to the bloody end!
I am never going to drink alcohol again...
Me neither! Oh... ooh... ouch! *gives birth*
It didn't hurt very much! *peeks between legs* Oh...
Well? Does it look human?
*holds up a very ugly looking baby with red eyes, little horns, cloven hooves and a forked tail. It also has two mouths and slits for a nose* Not really.
Good grief... O_O Uh... who do you think it looks like more?
It doesn't even look human. Ew. Uh... so, we're definitely calling it Incest, then.
Do we have to keep it? Wait, what gender is it?
*looks closely between the legs* Um... I don't think it even HAS a gender. Look, it doesn't even have anything between the legs! There's only a butthole!
It really is a freak of nature... so what do you want to do with Incest?
First, I'm going to wash and have a nice long rest, while you look after Incest. Then we'll decide what to do with it.
You're going to leave me alone with this freaky thing?!
Yes. Have fun. *leaves*
;_; *is left alone with freak and looks curiously at it* How does it pee anyway? *Incest suddenly pees out of ears* OH GROSS!
Can I study it? =D
I'd love to give it to you, but I'll have to wait and see what Jenna says...
Okay. I'm sure there's a lab in Tolbi somewhere that would love to study this freak of nature too...
Enough chattering! *drinks the potion and sits on sheets* ... AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Sheba! *rushes to side* It's okay, hold on! You can do it! Hey, it's crowning now! Keep pushing!
*has baby after a lot more screaming, then passes out*
I don't believe it. She freaking passed out... *picks up baby*
Ivan! Get back over here and help! This baby's making noise!
Ugh, okay, okay. *walks back over with Sheba's baby* It's a boy, if anyone cares.
*is still passed out on floor* x_x
I'm not so sure about this... *drinks potion and sits down* I'm scared...
It's okay! *puts Incest on floor and runs over to hold Piers's hand* I'm here for you!
*sigh* Did you just put that thing on the floor? You are all so irresponsible!
It really hurts, Fe! ;-; OMIGOSHTHEPAINIHATEITMAKEITGOAWAY!!!!
*holds Piers's hand tightly* You'll be alright, Piers!
AAAAAH! *gives birth* Whew... it's over... that was disturbing indeed...
Well, look at that. The baby looks just like you. But... it seems to be both genders...
Really?! O_O Let me see! ... Indeed, that's large enough to be... but I think there's a girl part there... good grief. It's a hermaphrodite.
At least you didn't have a genderless freak of nature...
A hermaphrodite is pretty freaking weird though... anyway... I'll call it... Freak!
Ooh... *wakes up* My baby! Where's my baby?
Oh, Sheba, you're awake! Here, a healthy baby boy. It luckily looks like you and not Alex...
Great. I'm going to call it Shebex after me and Alex! I don't care what anyone thinks!
Why do you hate the baby so much?!
Because I never asked for it!
Muahahahaha! *kidnaps Shebex* I shall take my son and raise him to be evil!
... No. Stop. Please don't take Shebex. By the way, I'm being sarcastic. Do whatever you want.
Sheba! What are you doing?!
Alex is the father. He can have him if he likes!
I certainly will. Farewell. *disappears with Shebex*
Whew. I guess I don't have to spend my teenage years raising a child then. ^_^
I would have raised it with you, you know...
Yes, Ivan, I appreciate the thought but we're both a little young for raising children. Let's just enjoy our freedom while we still have it.
Right, let me try and get my head around all this crap... Mia has had mine and Garet's children. I am the father of a girl named Ami, Garet is father to a boy named Garet Jr. Sheba had a boy, Shebex, but Alex kidnapped him. The other two... uh... the less said, the better.
What? You don't want everyone to know Felix and I had a sexless baby with two mouths, slits for a nose, red eyes, cloved hooves, horns and a tail, that pees out of its ears and is called Incest?
Do you really want to spread that around, Jenna?
Well, to be honest... I guess not. It is kinda weird, isn't it?
Have your parents seen Incest yet?
Yeah. They broke down crying the moment they saw Incest...
That will teach you not to get drunk and be laid by your own brother.
Hey, it's not like we did it on purpose, you know! ._.
So, uh, what are you going to do with Incest?
Felix and I have agreed to give it to Kraden, so he's going to look at it then take it to Tolbi to be studied at a lab.
You would have your child grow up in a lab?!
That thing isn't going to be able to grow up in a human society! It will be bullied or murdered for looking so inhuman!
Of course, you're right. A lab would be a much safer environment for little Incest. So, uh, it really doesn't have a sex?
Nope, none. It's absolutely devoid of equipment. I wonder how it manages to pee out of its ears... it's messy too. Ew.
That thing is just damn weird...
Hey! Acknowledge my hermaphrodite baby! What has Freak ever done to you?
It's a hermaphrodite. It's called Freak. What the heck?
I think it happened because I am a hermaphrodite at the moment. Can't wait to be a man again...
So, you're keeping Freak, right?
I guess I will. It's not Freak's fault it only has one parent and is a hermaphrodite.
Freak sure looks a lot like you... o_o
I guess when one person makes a baby with themselves, they get a clone or something... yeah, Freak's my clone...
Well, uh, I hope Freak is able to live a long and healthy life...
It might be a bit screwed up mentally and physically, but I'm sure it will be fine.
Good luck... o_o I sure don't expect that other freak, Incest, to last long...
I don't either, but those labs will probably do all they can to keep it alive.
I bet they will have a special freak show and people will come, paying to see the freaky inhuman thing, The Freak Called Incest. Or whatever.
Sounds cool enough. I don't want to see it again though. It creeps me out...
Everyone is creeped out by that thing. You're not alone.
How could we have brought something like that into this world...?
You see, incest is not the best after all...
That isn't funny, Isaac. You know we were so drunk, we were just completely out of our minds.
Just try not to have sex with him again, Jenna.
As if I would! ._.
LOOK! I'M NAKED!
Everyone seems to be pointedly ignoring you, Kraden.
Indeed, they are. It is a crying shame. I am hoping someone will look upon my naked body and get the irrepressible urge to have sex with me.
I think you need to be treated for delusional fantasies and of course, your sex addiction.
But I like sex a lot!
Yes, Kraden, I am well aware of that...
So, what can I do for you, Alex?
Well, you see, I kidnapped my baby son who is also Sheba's.
Ah, of course. Shebex, right? What an unfortunate name.
I know. It is a disgusting name indeed. But I'm too lazy to change it.
I see. Well, Sheba hasn't been missing Shebex or anything. In fact, I think she's forgotten she's ever had a baby.
*sigh* How carefree the mother of my child is... it does make things easier though.
It's strange you kidnapped your son. I never thought of you as the fatherly type.
Don't get me wrong. I just like the idea of having a prodigy to raise in my image.
Right. I just hope he doesn't end up robbing cradles. Not even I would go that low!
Hey, now, we were both drunk and out of our minds.
That is no excuse! You are a lowlife to do it with a fourteen year old!
Enough of this. Have you got a potion to turn people evil?
Eh? What would you want that for?
To make it easier to turn Shebex evil...
No. I would never make such a thing!
Curses. Looks like I will just have to try my hardest to raise Shebex as evil.
Um, sure. Good luck with that then...
*shakes head* What a freaking weirdo...
Was that Alex just now?
Yeah. He wanted an evil potion for the baby. I don't make those though.
Oh, I see. Alex is such a nice guy, you know...
Taking my burden away like that, without demanding anything... sometimes he can be a nice person.
I thought it was a kidnap?
Kidnap, schmidnap. Thanks to him, I can freely enjoy my teenage years the way I want to.
Uh... I see. You don't miss Shebex or anything?
Nope. I'm happy knowing his father is giving him all the care he needs.
It doesn't even bother you knowing Alex is trying to raise Shebex as an evil person?
Nope. Should it?
Oh, forget it. The baby would probably turn out evil anyway with a name like Shebex!
I thought it was a perfectly fine name! ._.
It isn't. Trust me on this.
Meh, I don't care anyway.
*sigh* Such an irresponsible mother...
I want to be a man again as soon as possible. You don't have Shebex anymore. Since you're lactating, could you breastfeed Freak?
You are asking me to be a wet nurse and loan my breasts to that hermaphrodite?!
Hell, NO, you moron! *stomps away*
*sobs* I just want to be a man again! I don't want to spend a year as a hermaphrodite, feeding a baby with boobs I shouldn't even have!
What's the matter, Piers?
I want to find a wet nurse to feed Freak, so that Kraden will let me be a man again! ;_; Sheba said no!
Oh... well... I know! I'll ask Jenna! She's giving Incest away to the labs in Tolbi after all.
;_; OMG, really?
Of course. I want you to be a man again too. Jenna! Will you be a wet nurse for Piers?
Please? Piers can't become a man for a year otherwise and I want him to be a man again, he also wants the same. He needs someone to breastfeed Freak...
Eh, fine. It sounds more convenient than having a soggy shirt all the time anyway. Sheba doesn't know what she's sentenced herself to.
YAY! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU! *glomps*
Thank goodness. Kraden! Jenna will feed Freak, so turn Piers back into a man now!
Aw. Seeing Piers with boobies is kind of funny...
What did you say, old man? *raises a glowing fist*
Meep. Here's the potion! *hands it over*
Thank you. *drinks the potion and is instantly turned back into a man*
It looks like you're back to normal. ^_^
Indeed. This calls for a celebration, wouldn't you say? ^_-
You mean... THAT?
Yes, I mean THAT. ^_^ *drags Felix to bedroom*
*sigh* Is it just me or is Piers a bit crazy about having sex with Felix?
Yes, it seems that way. Would you like to have sex with me, Jenna?
NO, you dirty old man! *casts Dragon Fume*
*is barbecued and smoking*
What a loser...
You can say that again.
Alex? Why are you here again?
I was wondering if Sheba would breastfeed Shebex or if I should try making some formula instead.
Honestly, Alex? Sheba does not have a shred of maternal instinct inside herself. She won't do it.
She won't even breastfeed her own baby?
I'm sure she's completely forgotten she ever had one in the first place.
Oh. Jeez. What kind of a mother is she?!
The worst kind, obviously. At least I have a reason to shun my child. It doesn't even look human. Shebex on the other hand is quite normal looking.
Now I feel sorry for Shebex, having a mother like that... well, I'll just give him formula then.
If you're really trying to raise him evil, don't be too friendly with him, ok? I think that creates bad children and gives them psychological issues. The lack of a mother helps too.
Of course. Thanks for the tips, Jenna. I shall leave now. *warps out*
Now why did I just tell a bad guy how to raise an evil child? o_o
You like the idea of Alex screwing with an innocent child's mind?
Hmm, yeah, that's probably it. I'm interested to see how much Alex can really fuck up his child's mind. It would be quite amusing too if everything failed and the kid ends up hugging kittens and giving orphans ice cream.
Heh, yeah. Now I want to see what happens too!