Part 1 of the Crack Series. It's only going to get worse...

 

Okay, guys, I'm bored. Does anyone want to do me already? It's about time I got done. You cannot resist the scarf!


I am willing to, Isaac.
But... you're underage!
So? I've done it many times. Hammet has a bunch of concubines after all.
That's slightly too much information. Besides, couldn't you catch something doing that?
Sheesh, Isaac! Do you want to do me or not? Besides, do they even have a legal age in Weyard? And according to some places on Earth, you're underage too.
Hmm, that's true. Does Weyard have a legal age? Maybe nobody gives a damn.
Which is exactly why you should do me. Right now. Hurry, before Hammet finds out I screwed his concubines and makes me a eunuch!
He's actually threatened you with chopping off your wang?!
Not so loud, Isaac! Anyway, the concubines won't tell on me. I'm too damn good.
What would Layana think about you screwing the concubines?
Oh, she knows. It was her idea after all.
You have got the worst foster parents ever...
I guess so. I don't think my sister would be pleased to hear about it.
So... top or bottom?
Eh, you can top. Just don't forget the lube.
Wait, do we have any lube?
I don't think so. I guess we'll just have to find a good substitute.
Okay. *searches* Oh, hey, what about this? *holds up jar of peanut butter*
Please tell me you're joking...
Um... ok. Ooh, Marmite?
-_-' May I suggest finding a non-edible substitute?
Wait, wait. What about this honey?
Forget it. I'm going to go out and buy some...

Normally, I would love to, but I have just decided to become a cleric.
Wait, what? What's a cleric again?
A cleric is a woman who works underneath someone's teachings. The opposite of a monk.
Does that mean... you're not even going to... do it?
Yes. I serve the great Kraden and nobody else.
You didn't go near the Temple of Kraden, did you?!
I did, and they taught me a lot. I have learned the true purpose in my life. It is to serve Kraden. So, I am sorry, I cannot have sex.
What are you talking about? They obviously brainwashed you!
They did nothing of the sort. I have learned to love only Kraden. You should follow my example. We will all be happier for doing so.
But-but... Kraden's a rambling old fart!
Ah, so you are a non-believer. I will save you from the darkness, Isaac. Have faith in me.
I'm not in ANY darkness! Listen, Mia, Kraden is not a deity in the least! He's just a creaky old Alchemy sage!
Kraden is the wisest and most benevolent, someone so awesome we cannot even begin to comprehend his awesomeness. Hail Kraden.
Are you even listening to me?!
Oh, Kraden, greatest and most wise of all... give me the power to bless Isaac with the knowledge of your greatness.
NO!!! I won't worship Kraden! Ever!
*holds up magic staff of doom* I'll convert you, Isaac! You can be saved!
... Wut.
*points staff at Isaac* KRADEN HEALING ESCALATION!!!
Was that supposed to do something?
*falls to knees* No... Kraden... I have failed you. Please forgive me.
Mia. Kraden is not a deity. They just really like worshipping them.
No! It's got to be true! Those nice people who beat me over the head and popped me in a sack told me so! So did that nice person with the pendulum...
I'm sorry, but it's the truth. You were brainwashed into a cult worshipping Kraden.
;_; Can I have some comfort sex now?
Of course. I know a nice, comfy bed we could do it in.

What's so great about that scarf?
It's YELLOW.
That's it?!
Yes. So, will you do me?
Sorry, I don't bend that way. Anyway, aren't you getting some with Ivan and Mia already?
I'm pimpin' and you know it.
That's not a very good way to behave, Isaac.
Oh, come on! What's the worst that could happen?
They could get jealous of each other. Or you could get STIs.
Yes, that's possible. What if everyone got so jealous, they raped each other with maces and ate each other?
What the hell?! Whatever possessed you to think of something like that?
A fanfic I read once. Should I also add I was the one doing the killing and mace raping in it?
PLEASE tell me you're joking.
I'm sorry, but I'm not joking. Do you think I would make something like that up?
That's just unbelievable. Was the person who wrote the fanfic a deranged crack addict?
No, Garet, just a fanfic writer. A lot of fanfic writers write strange things.
I just can't believe a sane, normal person would do such a thing!
Indeed. It's hard to believe. But fanfic writers don't always write like they are sane and normal.
On the subject of STIs, I always wear a condom.
Well, okay, but that doesn't really fix the jealousy problem.
Well, I sincerely doubt they will murder and eat each other, like Mia suggested, so I'm not worried.
Yeah, pretty sure you won't have to worry about that...

 

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